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[Tuesday
6:48pm December 8th] |
I get it now. I'm supposed to give, which includes kindness. Its in my nature to care about things, and people. Yeah, I get angry sometimes and try as hard as I can to be a cold hearted bitch. And then I just feel even worse afterwords. I abandon friendships and people because I can't handle how they treat each other. I don't want to see it, or be a part of it so I leave. Then again what am I demonstrating by doing so?
I'm demonstrating that I don't care, which is a lie. I love people, I may not understand them but they still fascinate me.
I've tried disconnecting myself from the world and appearing as a cold soul and it just doesn't work. I may not be able to change the way people act but at least by expressing myself, I can make them think. And I realized that the best way to do that is with kindness. You really can't lose an argument with kindness. It just changes the feeling of the entire conversation. I've decided that no matter what situation I'm in, I'm going to come at it with positivity. The only way I can make change is by doing it myself. And the things I can't change, I'm going to let go.
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[Monday
7:53am December 7th] |
Man. It feels like I have a case of the Mondays. I feel like Garfield right now.
Think humanitarian, think humanitarian, think humanitarian.
I guess a better approach is always to just talk to someone rather than accuse them or yell at them. I know, I have a hard time remembering that sometimes when I'm upset.
I really want to e-mail my teacher right now but I think it's better if I talk to him in person.
I just have to remember not to get myself worked up.
Lol, and I just noticed one of my guitars is broken.
Oh boy.
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[Saturday
7:34am November 28th] |
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Am I really so naive thinking that there is always at least some good in people somewhere deep down?
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[Thursday
1:38am November 26th] |
Exhausted from the muses whispering within my head
They abscond with the handprints of where I’ve been
To reassemble the patterns that I’ve left for
Willful angels as they prepare their descent
The lonesome sea churns at my dismay
Yet I’m not quite lacking apathy
A color coded virus one might say
A splinter caught inside the wrong vein
But paper cuts aren’t much compared
To the deep, cold slice
Of a switchblade emerging from that gaze
To my left, the lines in the wall converse with me
The warmth of artificial light penetrating my skin
With time unused I’ve discovered
If you reverse the sequence of expressions
The finale of a narrative will have developed a fresh meaning
That poignant appearance will rapidly begin disappearing
Notice taken by the stability of mirrored imaging
I’ve given permission for my phantom to continue stealing
The peelings of a rusted, tattered armor I managed to stay asleep in
So long
Too long
Until by a clatter of consistent reverberations
By the power of simple observation
I was awakened
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[Tuesday
10:01pm November 24th] |
Synthetic water droplets
Form upon my cheeks
As they drank the youth from my hands
I was left with cracked skin and a dried soul
Under endless cotton clothing
I still can’t seem to keep the chill from my bones
Without a connection, a whisper
A momentary lapse of a decision
That tingle in the center of my chest is my religion
A blood red cloud, a poison followed by my existence
For humanity I’ve set a place on a balance beam of recognition
Either they all look the same or they stay different
Unique has been only a matter of opinion
I’m an expert at dismantling the pieces
Of distress and grievance
Kept myself at bay from any kind of feeling
From people who react without reason
What’s an eye for an eye when both are missing?
I’ve given up on attempts of fixing the resisting
Condensing words back into my head
But from my lips they have a habit of slipping
Could I still stand to be an open book when
I am no longer relentless at permitting?
Can I follow through with my beliefs when
With each person they keep on twisting?
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[Tuesday
8:48pm November 24th] |
Night shifts and graveyards has been mainly my time spent,
For my fear of the living is greater than of the dead.
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[Sunday
2:43pm November 22nd] |
I saw ghosts in my dream.
It's strange. My sister can see them, my nieces can see them, my cousin can see them sometimes and my mom can feel and see things too.
I kind of feel like I got the short end of the stick. I can feel things sometimes and hear or see things once in awhile but not anywhere as close as the rest of them.
It seems like all the females in my family just have it.
Maybe I'm trying too hard. Or maybe I'm just not listening.
Either way I'm glad I went over to my sisters last night. I feel better about my grandpa and just in general. She understands people and reminded me to take everything I hear with a grain of salt. Even from family.
I like how foggy it is out today. I wish it was warmer so I could go outside and meditate.
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[Saturday
6:02pm November 21st] |
Slept away the day with no sunlight to see
Dreaming of a young girl who said she will one day be with me
What a strange dream. She was maybe 9 - 12 years old and kept saying how one day she's going to find me.
At first I found myself on a boat then in a car with some mobsters who were friends with my dad picking him up from a hotel I've seen before in my dreams. Then we're in California, driving to somewhere and my mom starts driving and gets into a minor accident. It turns out she somehow knows the person she hit from school and in the car with us we have some celebrities so it all turns out okay. That's when the little girl appears and follows me throughout the rest of my dream.
I'm a little bummed I spent the whole day sleeping. It's been awhile since the last time I went a day without sunshine. My true night owl self is emerging again.
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[Friday
8:27pm November 20th] |
I had a really good discussion with a friend today.
I realized how much I really love just talking to people. Just sitting and talking and sharing ideas and beliefs.
I know my faith in people seems kind of shattered sometimes, and I say I've given up.. but there's always and always will be something in me that says they can change and better themselves.
I still believe everyone has something good in them, and talking about it today sort of awoken that thought process for me again.
I don't really believe anyone is bad or evil. I believe people can make mistakes and poor choices which lead to consequences which can lead to even more poor choices (aka negative energy). But. As much as I've tried to fight it, I'm still going to have faith in people. Even if it's just that one positive thing they do out of all the negativity around them, or that one good action, it proves that good exists.
What I've forgotten is that forgiveness is key. I've also forgotten that I'm not the only one who has lost faith, that I'm not the only one in the world that feels the way I do sometimes.
We're all connected and it's as if it's a chain reaction. Well it only takes one person out of the chain to change how the rest of it flows.
And if you let go and forgive, what else is there to hold onto?
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[Sunday
10:07pm November 15th] |
I don't hate you. Any of you.
In fact I wish you all well. I don't think of any of you as worse than I am, or below me or anything like that. I'm just different from you. And even though I might be 'dead to you', I'm only going to remember the good things and move on.
Understand that I needed myself back, so I had to leave.
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| I won't regret saying this - this thing that I'm saying. |
[Wednesday
10:39pm November 11th] |
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.
I won't be sad, but in case I go there everyday to make myself feel bad.
There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.
I climbed up on a rainbow just to see if I'd fall off.
I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get this far behind.
I just wanna go someplace where no one knows my name, and I don't have to explain.
On these streets that I leave for weeks on end, who's to blame?
And you might not believe this, but you've changed me so much.
I used to be free spirited, now I'm just free of sleep. I'm one third passion, but I am two thirds pride.
It's only fair that I tell you I plan on leaving here tonight with my pride.
I'm gonna fight for the right to believe in myself. I'm gonna fight for the right to release myself.
All I have to give the world is me, and that's it.
I'm not alone. No. I'm just on my own.
I won't mistake you for problems with me.
There's more than blood that beats through my heart.
Staring from a distance, why don't you come take a closer look?
Take a second look. You might find that I am stronger.
Take a breath with me, blow by blow.
Where does the good go?
When you look at me, oh so angry I know it's true.
Your filthy room, your drama blues.
So whatcha gonna do when you wake up tomorrow in someone else's bed?
Whatcha gonna do tomorrow when you wake up in someone else's head?
Don't you ever want to change?
Please don't be mad at me, you'll get what you ask for.
All the things that you promised me that you'd be, well now your hands are tired.
I gave up long before, long before you cared.
Fists on up, it looks that easy. Looks that way to me. Looks that way to you.
I know this feeling oh so, this feeling in my bones.
You think I got my way?
Louder and louder it will build and fade, and soon your love will turn to hate.
I wish that we didn't have to go about things this way.
Well, I will not give up. What do you know?
I say damn your mood swings, they're gonna wear you down until you're thin and tired.
Can you sit through this or is it gonna be too deep?
Will you ever use common sense? It comes pretty cheap.
Don't get so uptight. Don't get in over your head.
You love them all so leave the rest to me.
Around this world will I be enough?
All we've got is talk, that's all we've got for now.
But now is not my time, now is not the time.
'Cause someday I will never see you again.
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[Sunday
9:13pm November 8th] |
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I want to become something big someday. Someone who will be remembered for what I've done.
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[Wednesday
1:55pm November 4th] |
So Michelle and I got stalked last night by a spirit, coming back from the cemetery. We went there at midnight to see if the whispers that are supposed to be heard there at that time were true, and we definitely heard a lot. And saw a lot. Figures were moving by trees and shadows came out of nowhere. We kept hearing footsteps and it sounded as if someone was walking back and fourth. I kept getting this feeling like something as moving closer.
I'm kind of pissed we didn't stay longer but there was a guy on the other side of a fence watching us and that's when Michelle and I freaked and left. The spirits kind of excited me a bit but we definitely would've stayed longer if it hadn't been for that guy. I mean shit, it could've been a rapist for all we knew.
Oh yeah, and we had a spirit follow me to my car, which I now think may be haunted. On the way back I kept seeing flashes in 3 different places while we were on a road that was so poorly lit, nothing could've made that light. On top of that, it was more like a camera flash anyways and Michelle saw it too. Then there was the tapping and the shadows in my back seat.
I was thinking, you know, a friendly ghost who wanted to get their message passed on. So, genius me, I invited it into Michelles apartment where it proceeded to tell us via Ouija board that it was Death and he was trying to scare us because we had disturbed him. Then proceeded to do the same tapping in the car on her couch. Well, we got a little freaked and decided it was best to go to a brightly lit place with some other people for a while. As we were getting ready Michelle heard a sigh by her ear.
Let me tell you, she never believed in anything after death before our experiences and I think it's safe to say she does now.
Well anyways, we went to Meijer for a little bit and came back to try again. This time he said his name was Michael and he wanted us to leave him alone. I think it might've been the cop that just died whose grave we were standing in front of in the cemetary.
Michelle and I are gonna keep trying this but next time were definitely bringing a camcorder with night vision or something.
I just have to be careful who I invite in next time, since this spirit kept blocking out others.
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[Monday
2:43pm November 2nd] |
I think I finally have a buddy to go to haunted places with me. And I'm pumped!
I love working Sunday nights. I always get my cleaning done early then Michelle and I just chat and watch TV in the womens' locker room.
So I had a dream and Brie and Jackie were in it, and I was forcing myself to forgive them and shake their hands(?). Which, you know, I do forgive them. I mean shit, I always forgive. My only mistake sometimes is that I forget. Well I've grown out of that.
I can feel me start to feel like me again and I love it. Without the alcohol, without the smoking. I'm playing guitar more than ever now and I feel like I'm getting so much better at it than I ever was. I'm willing to understand math for once and it's actually kind of fun when I do.
The fact that I'm having fun without any consumption of alcohol really excites me. I never noticed just how much I drank until I stopped. I mean, true, I did have 2 glasses of wine the other night but I ate in between them and barely even got buzzed. It's the part that I don't have to be drunk to feel like myself or be a part of a group that excites me. My 'goal' isn't to get drunk and party anymore on the weekends or anytime I have the night free.
I also realized just how big of a goofball I was last night and I made people laugh and it felt good. Not because I was drunk, or high but because I was me.
I feel brand new. I feel smart. I feel social most of all.
You don't really realize just how low you've sunk sometimes until you start to come back up.
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[Monday
4:20am November 2nd] |
So I didn't realize this but I guess I can post while I'm at work. Pretty awesome since Rick stuck me up here until almost 6.
How ironic that just as I mention his name, he walks up.
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[Monday
10:13pm October 26th] |
I'm at peace and feel rejuvenated.
It's all about the little things really.
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[Sunday
10:18pm October 25th] |
You know what's funny and sad at the same time?
I can't seem to hold together my relationships with people.
Maybe I was just meant to be alone, my own best friend.
Maybe I'll move away to some small island where I can grow my own food and make my own music and be friends with the animals.
I don't belong on this planet.
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[Sunday
7:05pm October 25th] |
I always seem to find the answer after I write a lengthy entry.
Meditation and positive thinking.
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[Thursday
1:50am October 22nd] |
I think out of anyone in the L word, I relate most to Helena.
I'm so used to being catered to, having money that I think I may be kind of frightened of being independent. Not really frightened, just lazy I guess and unmotivated.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to talk about transferring to a university with my parents.
I guess I thought I could be a kid forever, that I could just get away with community college for awhile and then magically have a permanent high paying job that I love with an apartment or house.
I need to focus and plan. On top of that I need to quit my squirming and concentrate and quit avoiding this.
My parents didn't become successful by being lazy, I know that.
All right kid, time to suck it up, zip it and learn.
Starting today I'm going to get out of bed when I have to.
To help me with that I'm gonna exercise right when I get up.
Concentrate on school work and what I want to do with my life.
Learn 5 to 10 russian words a day.
Study study study.
Oh yeah and I'm going to remind myself to be grateful for what I do have.
Also I'm gonna think about things that make me smile and what I do want.
I'm going to think about and talk about only good things about people.
I'm going to stick with my word.
Okay. Ready, set, go.
All this starting now.
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[Thursday
12:51am October 22nd] |
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Apartment windows lacking light
Take life from silhouettes
Denying stories to be witnessed
And secrets kept unread
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